So much for letting go

If you read the post "Life's finally getting back to normal," you'll read about my struggles to let God control our finances. It's a constant battle I have, that goes back to a rough financial time my parents had when I was about 16. Dad was off work without pay for almost two years, and I thought for sure we were going to starve or lose our house. But we didn't. I'm sure there were bills that got paid late, but somehow money always appeared when we needed it. There was always an unexpected envelope of cash in the mail or bags of groceries left on our porch. It was amazing. You would think after going through that I would be able to just trust Him. I've seen how well He provides with my own eyes. And I've seen it in our own marriage time and time again, when money would arrive or the hospital decides to cover our medical costs. We've been really, really blessed. But I can't let go. Here's yet another reason why....

Earlier this week I "realized" that I forgot to pay a bill last week, so I rushed and paid it. I went to check the bank statement last night, though, and the lovely $110 bill had come out TWICE! Apparently when I checked to see if it was paid, the website just wasn't enough up-to-date to show that the payment was processing at the time. So now we have $220 less in the bank than we thought. So, yes. We may be getting a check in the mail for Kraig's funeral services, but it's not going to be that much. On top of that, I thought we were doing fine and there was plenty of cash in the bank, so I didn't rush yesterday to deposit Kraig's check like I usually do. I waited til after the cut-off, because I knew the funds were there. So that money won't be available until Monday. Lovely. And there's a $22 overdraft fee in my checking account this morning, because naturally everything decided to come out today.

I don't know what it is. I thought I had a good system in place for getting the bills paid and making sure that they really did. Perhaps I analyze and over think the situation so much that I make mistakes like this. Because this isn't the first time. There's just usually plenty of money to cover my stupidity. Our cost of living is higher here, though, and extra money does not abound. I do start babysitting part-time on the 25th, which will be an extra $50 a week (grocery money). And our final payment for Kate's hospital bills is due next month, which will mean an extra $130 that can go elsewhere. Oh yeah...and Kraig's expecting several inheritance checks, but that is a slow process apparently. Once those come, we'll be in the clear for sure, because we'll be able to pay off several bills that eat up a good chunk of our income every month. But until then, we're cutting it close. The anxiety about it eats me up. My stupid mistake made a bad situation worse. Kraig, of course, doesn't get mad at me. I kind of wish he would.

So I was in a terrible mood last night. And it was Kraig's birthday.

Maybe I make it out to be a bigger deal than it really is, but I can't stand it! I feel like we're in limbo. The "fix" is coming, but we have no idea when. Hopefully it'll come before I develop an ulcer!